Fatherhood made me better at composing poems – Spoken-word artist, Chukwumerije

Famous spoken-word artist, poet and writer, Dike Chukwumerije, speaks about his approach to parenting

As a father, what do you consider your core responsibilities to your children?

My core responsibility as a father is, first of all, to protect. Children need safe spaces, so they can put down roots and find themselves. Second, my role is to provide those things – shelter, food, clothing, physical activity, and a comprehensive, well-rounded education – my children need to develop into healthy adults.

Third, my role is to guide, to bring to bear my own wealth of experiences in helping my children make sense of the big questions of life – Who am I? Why am I here? What should I spend my life doing? What is most important in life? To help them develop the deep inner wisdom required to successfully navigate one’s way through this world.

 

Are there values you’re deliberately inculcating in your children?

I am working to make my children cultivate those sets of values rooted in a non-materialistic and humanistic view of life, where success is defined, not by the external parameters of fame and fortune, but by the inner parameter of achievement of purpose and honesty to self. I would want them to value inner peace over outer accolades. To value human beings as deserving of respect and honour, regardless of race, tribe, faith, gender, age or class. I would want them to carry with them the knowledge that power, skill, and wealth are meaningless unless they are contributing towards helping people, and those around them to become better people.

Did you pick this philosophical approach to parenting from your dad?

I think there is a lot to be learned from the way fathers conducted themselves in the past. I benefited from having a strong father, who understood that if he ever had to choose between being my father and being my friend, he had to choose the former; that fatherhood was not a popularity contest, and his duty was to ensure that when that day came when he was no longer around I would have no difficulty whatsoever standing on my own two feet.

I appreciate this approach to fatherhood. But I also think that there was a misconception in the past that showing emotion was something fathers were not supposed to do. It is important that children feel loved – that they are held and spoken to in tender voices, rolled around with on the floor and listened to, apologised to, and made to understand that they are deeply, totally, and unconditionally loved. So, in my opinion, we need to build on how “old school” fathers did it, tweaking things here and there, but not discard that model entirely.

In your experience as a poet and social crusader, are there misconceptions about fatherhood in society that you find worrying?

There are several misconceptions. One is the thinking that getting a woman pregnant makes you a father to that child. Biologically speaking, yes, but fatherhood is not about creating another human being; it is about accepting responsibility for another human being. It is this act of accepting ultimate responsibility for the safety, welfare, and upbringing of a person – till that age and time that they are able to do so for themselves – that makes you a father.

Secondly, a father’s primary task is not providing material things for the child – for man cannot live by bread alone. And in fact, economic circumstances beyond a man’s control can prevent him from giving his children everything he desires to give them materially. But even in the most severe of financial situations, a man who is willing to listen, talk, teach, guide, engage, support, admonish, to demonstrate by his own example that life must be lived always with courage, dignity, and conviction, no matter what, will still be a good father to his children.

When did you have your first child?

I was 30 years old when I had my first child.

Did you experience fear before becoming a father?

No, because at the time I considered that I had become a man with enough means to raise a child.

Did you ponder on the gender of your first child?

Yes. I had names ready for either scenario. But we found out early what the gender was. There was no real preference for this gender or that gender. We were just happy to have a child.

Did you consider giving your children poetic or philosophical names?

Yes. I wanted to name one of my children ‘Sundiata’, after the legendary Mansa of Mali. But my wife was not having it. So, (let me) just put it out there, in case someone else has the courage to do it.

Was that the only time your wife disagreed with you on picking a name for your children?

No, not at all. I tend to be over-imaginative with names. So, we have had many negotiation sessions over what name to settle for.

What were your thoughts when your child was kicking in her mother’s womb, did it inspire any poetry?

Yes, it did. Putting your ear against a woman’s tummy to listen for sound, or putting a hand to feel for movement, is a beautiful experience. In truth, you imagine your child long before he or she is born. You hold them in your hopes, carry them in your prayers, and cover them with your thoughts. Fatherhood starts long before childbirth. And if you are a poet, some of these experiences will certainly find their way into words.

Apart from those you spoke about earlier, what other values did you pick from your father that have come in handy in raising your children?

I learned the values of hard work, perseverance and discipline; not to wait for help from any quarter; not to complain about being cheated or others taking unfair advantage (of me), but to put my faith in God and the irresistibility of my own fate. To know that what is mine will come to me, so long as I refuse to be put down or give up. My father also taught me to keep account of every kobo I spend and to form the habit of spending less than I earn.

What do you find most challenging about being a dad?

Not having all the time in the world to pursue my own dreams. Fatherhood is time and labour-intensive. And at a certain age, a child is just a catalogue of needs and questions, most of which demand immediate attention. So, as long as you are at home with them, you can forget about ‘me time’. But, in all honesty, that’s not really the most challenging thing about being a dad. The most challenging thing about being a dad is living with the fear of something bad happening to any of your children.

Has fatherhood stopped you from doing anything?

Nothing. I made a decision before becoming a father that I would not use my children as an excuse not to fulfill my own calling. Fatherhood has only slowed me down, but it has not stopped me from doing anything I need to do.

 

Do you think that the tensions of juggling the role of being father and a poet sometimes contribute to ‘writer’s block’?

No. I am one of those who don’t really believe in ‘writer’s block’. What is that? Just write. Everything you write does not have to be a masterpiece or make sense. Just write. What I experience is physical and mental exhaustion from chasing children around to eat their food, get off the couch, put off that TV and go do your homework, stop screaming around the house like a witch, for goodness sake! After things like this, one is so tired that you sit in front of your computer with the idea in your head, but too tired to lift a finger. But after a while you get better at multitasking and at taking 15-minute power naps.

 

You said fatherhood has slowed you down, but has it also had any positive effect on your creativity?

It has made me more efficient in the use of time. So, I can go from idea to finished product quicker. It’s also made me better at composing poetry, or developing an idea in my head while doing ‘school runs’. I am also better at multitasking, and this really comes in handy on a spoken word theatre production, where you can be both performer and director.

Again, having to take care of little people has given me greater insight into human nature, which is one of the most invaluable assets a poet and storyteller can have. Above all, having children supplies one with a lot of motivation to go out there and create a legacy that would, one day, make them proud.

Poets often live in a cocoon that excludes everyone when they want to write or create, do you think your wife and children understand your reclusive moments?

Yes, they do. But I am not as reclusive as the average writer. I tend to keep my door open so they come and go as they please. I hardly ever say, ‘Please, go away, I am trying to write’, at least, not with my mouth. But if they notice that they are talking to me and I am not responding because I am staring hard at my computer and muttering to myself, they know to quietly go away and shut the door behind them. Still, this is not a luxury one can afford too often. After all, an older child could be trying to tell you that a younger child is about to burn the kitchen down. This is not something that can wait for the perfect line to form in your head before your respond. So, I have got better at pausing my ‘flow’ to attend to my people and then returning to it.

How do you balance your travelling life with your family life?

That is the most difficult part of what I do. But I try, for most parts, not to be away for more than two nights at a stretch. And then I compensate for my absence by being very present when I am present. So, I am fully involved in the home. I give everyone advance notice of when I will be gone, and for how long. And I keep in touch when I am away. But I think the most important thing is to create a strong, deep, and enduring bond with the children when you are there. This helps to keep things going when you are absent.

If asked, how do you think your children will describe their father?

One of them likes to describe me as ‘weird’. But I think she’s just joking.

How many children do you have?

Four.

What influenced the number of children you have?

The person who bears the actual physical burden of carrying and birthing these children gets to decide how many times she wants to do this. But, sometimes, even when she still wants more children, you may also consider the cost – particularly in terms of the number of years you will have to tie down to raise that additional child – as well as the resources that will be needed. It’s something you think about and talk about and come to an agreement about so that everyone is on the same page.

How do your children feel about their father being a full-time poet and wordsmith?

I am not a full-time poet and wordsmith. I do many other things. But they have known me as a poet all their lives. So, to them, it is quite normal. It sometimes surprises them when someone comes up to me outside and is excited about my poetry. Then they look at me and say, ‘Wait, daddy, are you a celebrity?’ And I say, ‘God forbid’. It always makes them laugh.

Do you have any of your children who are willing to carry on in the craft like their father?

It’s still early days. We’ll see. But there is enough interest in creativity, and enough manifestations of creative talent to satisfy me. Whether it ends up expressing itself through poetry or not, I do not know. I am just happy that the creative spirit is alive and well in them.

Do poetry, performance and creativity run in your family in one way or the other?

Yes, they do. Many of my siblings are creatives. In fact, the person who inspired me to begin to write poetry was my elder brother, Che. We grew up in a home that was full of books, sculptures, paintings, and music. It was the perfect incubation unit for creatives.

How do you discipline your children?

By any means necessary, to borrow the words of Malcolm X, but mostly by twisting one ear. That’s for serious offences. For capital offences, we will look for a cane. For most other things, they get a scolding, with or without a raised voice, depending on the circumstances.

How do you relax with your children?

We watch movies together; and when I have the energy, we ‘play-fight’.

What domestic chores are you comfortable doing?

Anything and everything the home requires.

When your children were babies, did you help with wiping their bum, cradling and others?

Yes, I did it all. Nothing creates a bond with a child like actually caring for him or her as a baby. I have enduring memories of wiping bums, changing nappies, bottle-feeding, cradling to sleep, and all that. It really leaves deep imprints on your heart, particularly as a first-time father, to do these things. If you can, don’t delegate these things to anybody else. If you can, care for your own baby.

Punch